They took him away

It's not fair, but there was no running from this. I miss him so much. But I promised I'd be strong for the both of us.

his last words as a free man:
"I love you baby I'll see you soon I promise"

Time to get out the stamps and envelopes. He's my world, and a lot of my time has since been freed up into empty space...I'll fill it with things that have to do with him and us. Nobody can replace or fill in for all the minutes of my day that I'm not using to talk to my man.


James, baby, I love you with my whole heart and I'll wait as long as it takes till I get to be in your arms again.

fuck writing watch this instead....

Jus a Few More Days

till I get outta here...for a month.


I fucking need this.


Goals:

1. sell stuff, make money
2. get my fucking license
   
3. make better bogs
4. get my body back (by that I mean, force feed myself and start doing the stairs)
   
5. write a letter every day
   
6. donate/sell my frumpy clothes
7. get a hold of some flattering clothing for a change
8. start to figure out what I want to do for summer
9. convince my parents to let me move off campus for next fall
10. get 500 for a police auction car
11. keep my spirits up and stop starving myself

Seems reasonable. But right now I gotta get through finals week first.

psychology: Final on Monday. STUDY all 400 words and 180 True and False
art: Finished
public speaking: Finished. Go to last class at 1PM on Tuesday
computers 101: Finish finals
critical thinking: Get together with my group for the final presentation

Today I gotta get some food though. My pantry is empty and I sold a book yesterday for $27... and I only want to spend $10 on food to last me for the next 4-5 days. So I'm gonna go buy a huge pizza from little ceasars and steal from the cafeteria, because they had it coming...

Hi

Trying...actually...no

I'm not really trying to keep my head above water...I'm just about at that point where I'm almost okay with drowning.

I ate 1 hard boiled egg today, cranberry juice with ice, and 1 1/2 chicken tacos

Why does food disgust me?
Why can't I differentiate between being full and being sick to my stomach?
I'm so lost and upset. I've forgotten how to eat. I've lost my appetite.
James is upset, I'm upset. I feel ugly, I feel sick.
Maybe it's time to get some real help.

Shaking

I just don't know what to say about anything right now.

Happy Thanksgiving.

My man is going to jail, my grandpa had a stroke, my step grandma got taken off life support, I finally admitted that I have an eating disorder, and I'm broke and can't afford to even take the bus to get away from here for a minute.

I haven't written in a while because there's just been so much that I really can't write about, just yet at least. God, why?

The only thing I look forward to is nighttime when I can take my sleeping pill and be out cold for a few hours. I've been too depressed for nightmares, or any kind of dream for that matter.

The only thing I have left in this world is my homework. At least I don't do what I did to myself in that old photo of mine.




How pathetic.

not allowed to be normal

300 dollars in debt. And all I am is scorned.

I hope that all of you are very happy with this outcome. Everything is my fault. I am the root of all evil, you have everything, and I continue to be stripped by the day.


I was lonely. I was breaking down more and more everyday. I knew you all wouldn't care
whether you knew how much we both hurt or not. What happened to the significance of love? When will I be allowed to show my love without worrying about what you will do to me?


I continue my days alone. And you continue to step on me.

So I've been bad

But I'll get back on it. I wrote a really long one last night but it made me so sad I couldn't post it. I'll post tomorrow night if I finish my homework...I'm not feeling amazing right now.

Another lonely cold night.

I'm a California Girl.

Does that make me plastic?

Is it bad that I love the beach, and that I love swimming out to the lifeguard buoy on a surf board to lay out in the water? Is it bad that I love the color and diversity? Is it so fucking bad that I know one or two chicks that had plastic surgery? We're not all rich bitches. I couldn't afford your fancy beautiful fucking rehab, it was either I stop or I die on the streets or rot in jail. Is it so bad that I prefer warm and dry to freezing and icy?

Bitches I'm from California. I can ski, snowboard,wakeboard, skateboard, ice skate, roller blade, surf, swim, rock climb, etc. I'm street smart and tree smart. I can read a compass, I can sit through a 5-hour tattoo session, I can shop better than your stylist, I can build a damn snowman, and go fishing, crabbing, basket weaving, jewelry making, I can fix a doll, I can repair clothes, I can make clothes. I can walk EVERYWHERE in any kind of weather. I'm in college, I'm building a life for myself, I have all my teeth, I don't have a winter belly, I don't go to the spa, I do my grooming by myself, I got my first tattoo when I was barely 16, I have the balls to give myself a bikini wax, I say what's on my mind no matter what, there's only one person in the world that I'm afraid of, I've danced naked in a fountain, I've never been arrested, I can write a story, I can write a poem, I can ride a bike without holding on the handlebars.

I tried to kill myself twice, I've almost been killed more times than I can count, I ride my bike everywhere, I collect clothes, I got kicked out of boarding school, I'm a Catholic school survivor, I can do yoga, I can dance, I can carry my bodyweight, I can sing, I rock my doc martens, I go barefoot when I feel like it, I had braces in 9th grade, I hit rock bottom 4 times, I can tie dye anything, I can clean a house by myself, I can cook, I can bake, I survived a NOLS trip, I got sued once when I was only 16, I like country music, I like Lady Gaga and The Misfits, I'm not afraid of mice or rats, I read a shit ton of books, I can catch a sparrow, I can catch a chicken, I can go for days without eating, I'm smart enough not to do that when I have the money, I can paint a picture, I'm honest to a fault, I can draw a skeleton, I can draw a naked person, I star gaze, I day dream, I study, I read, I scream, I have vendettas, I can make things disappear, I've been to Hell and I'm never going back, I can buy pot legally here if I really wanted to buy pot. Because I live in California

I'm a California girl.
Now stereotype me.
And what.

All I gotta say to haters:
Go fuck yourself, you couldn't dream of a California girl if you tried.

God I've been so dead this week.

Okay so I lied to my teachers about having swine flu so I wouldn't have to go to class, but hey, I'm not feeling all that amazing anyways..sortof...I lost my voice....does that count for anything?

It's not like I don't know I'm already going to hell anyways.

This week's been interesting. Neal's little motorbike is soo much fun! We can do 35 on that thing together haha. Rough, I know, but it's a million times better than waiting for the bus, throwing your bike under the bus, pulling your bike out and pedaling your ass around Camarillo and the same thing for the way back home. I think American Apparel is finally starting to catch on, whatever...it's about time anyways. It's hard being a black knight when you don't live in LA. We made a trip there last night, it was amazing. Neal got the job for Converse, his face is gonna be everywhere bitches bettah racahnize! And to celebrate we pumped the city. The Beverly Center is absolutely gorgeous.

Standing at the edge of the parking structure on the 5th floor, looking down, over, and around Los Angeles, Hollywood sign gone in the dark of night, but what lay directly infront was my city, I felt invincible. My lovely, beautiful, filthy, stunning glimmering city. I was home for the night.

One of my favorite things about LA is that; rich or poor, girl you better look good so help me Jesus Christ. My favorite unspoken rule. Everyone cares about how you look. Makes me want to actually get out of my pajamas in the morning and brush my hair. I care, because they care. In a twisted sense, we all care about each other. Don't you love the romanticism of vanity?

Had dinner at Swingers, tofu chilequiles...surprisingly amazing. A cup of coffee and a smoke to chase dinner was just what the doctor ordered. Amanda Bynes sat next to us, she's so cute and we agreed, she and my roommate, Rebecca totally look related. He took me to Pop Killers, and it was like falling inlove for the first time all over again. I had a really nice time out. Did my speech today. I think I nailed it. Mom picked me up around 3, got a big weekend ahead. The new puppy comes on Saturday morning and my grandma wants to take me to Disneyland. Maybe I'll do some of my homework too.....maybe.

In psych class

It's monday again..this won't be the only thing I post today, I still wanna put up some pictures from Halloween and such.

Last night on the way back to school, my dad said he was proud of me..
for being sober....I'm so elated right now...I'm sick as a dog and I'm tired but I'm so happy he finally came to terms with me. That I'm not make believe...he's okay with who I am.
I'm a beaten down 19 year old recovering addict/alcoholic covered in tattoos, piercings, and fading suicidal scars. But the part of me that he's finally acknowledging is that I'm getting better.


This was a really big moment in my life, and I won't forget it, ever.

Jealous, but I'm so happy for you.

Everything I never had or could achieve, is what you have become. I'm so proud of you. Beautiful, successful, bound for adventure, cherished, revered young lady. As I look at you I see the things I could have done, every wrong turn I made that kept me from all the good things you have, and have accomplished. I'm beaten and worn down...forgotten by my old fellow junky companions....abandoned by bad men I never should have loved...trampled and stamped with tattooed evidence that I am the rough, and you are the diamond that has come out of my misfortune.


Thought I might want to talk about Halloween...but there really wasn't much to write about...
I went to hang out with my grandmas, took Maddie and Meagan trick or treating, got hassled by drunk slobs...got home...curled up on the living room couch and watched Bram Stoker's Dracula, and now here I am in my bed alone. It's been so quiet.

"Use my body to keep you alive..."

So my Halloween is going to be laid back and family oriented again. Maybe next year we'll get to go see Rob Zombie and Alice Cooper...I'm gonna be hanging out with my grandmas handing out candy and taking my sister trick or treating instead. Cute, right?

I couldn't get the materials for my Beetlejuice costume, so I'm gonna wear that vintage beaded black dress Neal pimped out for me, and a black and silver sequin Hello Kitty mask. It was their 35th anniversary a week ago anyways...kindof appropriate.

My sister and I carved pumpkins tonight, she got bored after a while though so I had to finish. But I think they came out pretty nicely.

I shouldn't complain but I want to. Wish I could do something wild for Halloween. Since all this heavy stuff came ontop of me, and cuz James can't be here I'm stuck having to constantly be on my best behavior to keep the peace....kindof. I'm just so bored, what can I do?

Guess it's about that time to get my driver's license. Yeah, like that makes sense right after what happened to poor Bailey...driving should be the furthest thing on my mind...but I can't be scared forever, not being mobile has really hurt me, and has put me back into a depression. I need this.

Night Blooming Jasmine

Delicate paper white petals strung on a vine that grew from the heavens and crawled it's way down to earth...The quintessent, intoxicating fragrance; my ecstasy, intertwines and caresses every square inch of my skin and fills my lungs with the spell cast in the air above us.

Girl Interrupted

watched it in the living room with Hayley, Neal, and Riana . . . never get to finish it. Right after Britney Murphey kills herself, that's when the TV always gets shutoff..too drunk, too tired, too much noise, the list could go on forever ...reasons why I can never get to the end of it.
Maybe we'll finish it tomorrow.


What is being normal? How do you really know that you're better, just because you get released? All the drugs they gave....my memories are so skewed yet strong..I don't remember what I looked like..just what I looked at and felt.... tons of left over bruises and fucked up ribs from what got me in there in the first place. If anything, I think I might have gotten worse after my release. Institutions can either be exactly what you need, or a roundtrip hell ride through Perpetual Bad Dreamland, where you get so out of your head that you start drawing pictures of butterfly needles and scratch your jumbled drugged diary in between the lines of the only book you were given to read....that would eventually be taken away from you.

A stay away in a place like that ... you don't ever get that out of your head...you'd be crazy if you could.

But it lessens as life goes on. Sometimes I almost forget. But there's some weird, and very strong part of me that really doesn't want to forget. At all. What does that mean?

This is where we break down.

Barely got 4 hours of sleep this morning.. went to bed at 3...woke up at 7...Totally feel like a rockstar right now. If only.

In psych class right now, I can never pay attention in class I really can't. The only way I ever learn anything is when I do it myself. Not to say that the classes don't help, I just don't see them as my primary learning devices. I'm also supposed to be writing a paper as we speak. It's due in an hour and ...15 minutes. It's about the environment...something to do with freshwater organizations in California. God I really need to get my act together....I'll post later.

Get Your Uglyass Hands Off My Man

I really needed something like this to happen right now. I'm so sick of delusional girls fucking with me.


James is my boyfriend, and unless I have fucking legitimate proof that you're screwing him, you can go fuck yourself. I can't believe I almost believed in her shit. And you know what...I may not be Miss America, but I'm definitely prettier...and I hate complimenting myself. So much fucking drama...too much shit for a Monday.

And people ask me why I don't have any girl friends...my gender is notorious for annoying the FUCK outta me.

This just didn't add up.....being okay with him having illicit sex with other girls and being in love with me while aaaalsooo being her boyfriend??? So spiteful and out of the blue. Yeah, like my boyfriend even has the time of day to be a man whore...let alone want to cheat on me. Yes, the long distance has been rough, but it would just be so pointless to hang on and waste your calling minutes with some chick in California when you supposedly have a harem of Idaho girls. Why would you waste your time? If this was the case, we would have broken up a very long time ago.

I love him so much. It was hard hearing such bad things about him....and it really hurt me. Why do people want to hurt me so badly? Whatever, I'm really tired and I need to write a whole outline for my public speaking class tomorrow morning.

Funeral on Sunday.

Faster than a cannon ball

You always know something's really wrong when you play Oasis on purpose ...

Well. It's true. You can't control the universe, your fate, the fate of others. A good soul was taken from the earth by a drunk driver, yet again. I don't even know how to explain this all. I didn't know her like he did, but the time I did spend with her she gave off wonderful vibes and she really cared about my boy...taught him everything that he taught me....This really isn't my place to make a commentary, but when he hurts, my heart breaks, and I'm just trying to deal with it. Yes, I feel awful about what happened to the victim, but knowing how much they meant to each other .... Jesus, I been crying too...

Why can't people just not drive drunk? I don't fucking understand...living on Sunset blvd, I've seen this far too many times, mourned far too many times, when is it going to be enough for people to get it in their heads that they can fucking kill someone by getting behind the wheel wasted or strung out? There's no excuse. It's not an accident, it's murder.

God Damn Typical...

I thought I heard Tom Hanks screaming ...and I was right....My dog WOULD pick a fight with his dogs in the middle of the night.

Jesus Christ. How embarrassing.

Oh, and speaking of dogs, my mom just bought a puppy on the internet. My dad has no idea. Why am I not telling him? I don't know...I guess I just want to watch the fireworks. New puppy is coming on November 4th...how in the world is my mother going to get away with this one? Buying the flat screen TV's behind his back was one thing...but this is a flippin' DOG..... My mother is insane. And I leave you on that note.

Weekend Homework

Well I guess if I did my homework during the week it wouldn't be this way....but what else is there to do in Camarillo when you don't have a car, or reasonable public transportation system? Honestly, the bus from my campus to anywhere stops running after 5 on Saturdays, and forget about Sundays... I actually got a ride home on Wednesday night. I live really close to my school, but not close enough to commute.

I like coming home to my own room....even though I have my own room at school, but you understand what I mean right? I keep all my books here at home, and my bed is bigger here...and there's food in the kitchen! Not to forget the fact that I have a huge family. That's why I didn't really want to venture off too far. I had already been sent away to boarding school for 9th-10th grade and I really missed out on a lot of stuff. I guess as the oldest sibling I feel I have a responsibility to my family ... you know, just to be there when shit hits the fan. My Gran (dad's mom) isn't doing so hot, and my mom can always use an extra hand on the weekends.

I also sortof feel like I owe my family a hell of a lot because of my past. I was a horrible person, really, I just don't know if it's even right that I put down half of the extent of my old self. I even have trouble telling the truth to my own therapist, believe it or not. Maybe in good time, as long as I never give out my real name or info I guess you can't really do anything to me. That's the best thing about confiding in a stranger.

Jesus.....

Okay, okay, I suck so bad at keeping my shit together. I gotta get away from facebook blogging like today. So much has happened in the last couple of months my head is still spinning. Neal and I did our star studded shit, went to Disneyland for his birthday for free which was awesome.. I got my fifth tattoo on my boyfriend's birthday (October 20th) Oh and we celebrated our 2 year anniversary....in different states, again.....but a reunion is so close I can almost taste it....money has been really tight these days I hate asking from my parents. My dad's invention (Facechipz) is starting to blow up everywhere and I'm so proud of him you don't even know. It's a social network for kids and it's really cool...I've been watching the site grow for like 3 years and it's an amazing internet haven for kids that are too young for myspace or facebook...and my dad's trying to get it so that when the kid reaches a certain age, his/her info gets carried over to Facebook, how fucking cool would that be!

The really great thing about the site though, is that you can't search for anyone or try to add anybody. The ONLY way you can add somebody as your friend is if you personally give them a poker chip with a code on the back of it that you copy into your computer and you automatically become friends, there is no people search option on the site AT ALL. It's really fascinating, my little sister and all her friends love it...it's got all these cool themes and fun extra things you can do like virtual gifts and secret messages...it's wild, and I'm not just saying that because it's my dad's website. I really believe in this thing, and it's going to make a big difference.

Anyways, I'm basically trying to survive college, it's not bad...but it's been miserable trying to find a job, riding my bicycle everywhere...even though I just bought a basket for my handle bars and I absolutely love it...I collect recyclables for money here...sad right?

Oh, and drama at school...they pretty much just waste our tax dollars like toilet paper here.
I woke up at six in the morning to the sound of 2 18 wheelers...I pull up my blinds and right infront of me was "GO ARMY" I couldn't even see the sky....and the fact that I had just watched Quarantine the night before didn't help..... So I guess they're having trouble corrupting the minds of high school kids and decided to come to a state university to try and take people that already have a future? Now there's nothing wrong with joining the army I love my country and I love our troops, but do they really need to try and entice us with video games and remote control cars and key chains? We're all adults here.

Furlough days, budget cuts, increased tuition......where the FUCK is the money going????

Still Engulfed

So I guess I leave tomorrow....If I can get out of this mess!

And I'm telling you...this is my room on a better day. It's hard juggling a long distance relationship, ADD, giving myself a manicure, and packing. Yeah, I know that's not exactly what I do every day, but i gotta cut myself slack, right?
I don't even know why I'm writing now..I have so much crap to clear out and so little time to do it!


FUCK.

..Oh. My laundry's done..
So I'm gonna sign off for the night...morning?
Excited for tomorrow..I get to see Neal and Randy and Dave and...I dunno...my new roommates? Hope they're nice, I sorta met em on FaceBook and they seem like a good bunch.
Here goes nothing.

I've been swallowed by my bedroom.

Alright, so I'm getting ready to go back to school this coming Saturday. It's gonna be my second year at CSU Channel Islands . . . . yeah, the old state mental institution. Did you know it's rumored that the song, Hotel California, by The Eagles was written about the place? There's still a lot of buildings left abandoned on campus...well no kidding..with the wonderful economy that we have. But yeah, they're totally creepy. Whatever though, it works for me.

Still don't have a major. . . . still haven't finished packing either. I should probably get to it.

So there. My first blog is about my stupid creepy school. Not the best intro.
But I'm planning on giving y'all a better one tomorrow. Only if I can get all my shit together that is..
My friend Neal's gonna help too....you'll see what I mean later.