Hi

Trying...actually...no

I'm not really trying to keep my head above water...I'm just about at that point where I'm almost okay with drowning.

I ate 1 hard boiled egg today, cranberry juice with ice, and 1 1/2 chicken tacos

Why does food disgust me?
Why can't I differentiate between being full and being sick to my stomach?
I'm so lost and upset. I've forgotten how to eat. I've lost my appetite.
James is upset, I'm upset. I feel ugly, I feel sick.
Maybe it's time to get some real help.

Shaking

I just don't know what to say about anything right now.

Happy Thanksgiving.

My man is going to jail, my grandpa had a stroke, my step grandma got taken off life support, I finally admitted that I have an eating disorder, and I'm broke and can't afford to even take the bus to get away from here for a minute.

I haven't written in a while because there's just been so much that I really can't write about, just yet at least. God, why?

The only thing I look forward to is nighttime when I can take my sleeping pill and be out cold for a few hours. I've been too depressed for nightmares, or any kind of dream for that matter.

The only thing I have left in this world is my homework. At least I don't do what I did to myself in that old photo of mine.




How pathetic.

not allowed to be normal

300 dollars in debt. And all I am is scorned.

I hope that all of you are very happy with this outcome. Everything is my fault. I am the root of all evil, you have everything, and I continue to be stripped by the day.


I was lonely. I was breaking down more and more everyday. I knew you all wouldn't care
whether you knew how much we both hurt or not. What happened to the significance of love? When will I be allowed to show my love without worrying about what you will do to me?


I continue my days alone. And you continue to step on me.

So I've been bad

But I'll get back on it. I wrote a really long one last night but it made me so sad I couldn't post it. I'll post tomorrow night if I finish my homework...I'm not feeling amazing right now.

Another lonely cold night.

I'm a California Girl.

Does that make me plastic?

Is it bad that I love the beach, and that I love swimming out to the lifeguard buoy on a surf board to lay out in the water? Is it bad that I love the color and diversity? Is it so fucking bad that I know one or two chicks that had plastic surgery? We're not all rich bitches. I couldn't afford your fancy beautiful fucking rehab, it was either I stop or I die on the streets or rot in jail. Is it so bad that I prefer warm and dry to freezing and icy?

Bitches I'm from California. I can ski, snowboard,wakeboard, skateboard, ice skate, roller blade, surf, swim, rock climb, etc. I'm street smart and tree smart. I can read a compass, I can sit through a 5-hour tattoo session, I can shop better than your stylist, I can build a damn snowman, and go fishing, crabbing, basket weaving, jewelry making, I can fix a doll, I can repair clothes, I can make clothes. I can walk EVERYWHERE in any kind of weather. I'm in college, I'm building a life for myself, I have all my teeth, I don't have a winter belly, I don't go to the spa, I do my grooming by myself, I got my first tattoo when I was barely 16, I have the balls to give myself a bikini wax, I say what's on my mind no matter what, there's only one person in the world that I'm afraid of, I've danced naked in a fountain, I've never been arrested, I can write a story, I can write a poem, I can ride a bike without holding on the handlebars.

I tried to kill myself twice, I've almost been killed more times than I can count, I ride my bike everywhere, I collect clothes, I got kicked out of boarding school, I'm a Catholic school survivor, I can do yoga, I can dance, I can carry my bodyweight, I can sing, I rock my doc martens, I go barefoot when I feel like it, I had braces in 9th grade, I hit rock bottom 4 times, I can tie dye anything, I can clean a house by myself, I can cook, I can bake, I survived a NOLS trip, I got sued once when I was only 16, I like country music, I like Lady Gaga and The Misfits, I'm not afraid of mice or rats, I read a shit ton of books, I can catch a sparrow, I can catch a chicken, I can go for days without eating, I'm smart enough not to do that when I have the money, I can paint a picture, I'm honest to a fault, I can draw a skeleton, I can draw a naked person, I star gaze, I day dream, I study, I read, I scream, I have vendettas, I can make things disappear, I've been to Hell and I'm never going back, I can buy pot legally here if I really wanted to buy pot. Because I live in California

I'm a California girl.
Now stereotype me.
And what.

All I gotta say to haters:
Go fuck yourself, you couldn't dream of a California girl if you tried.

God I've been so dead this week.

Okay so I lied to my teachers about having swine flu so I wouldn't have to go to class, but hey, I'm not feeling all that amazing anyways..sortof...I lost my voice....does that count for anything?

It's not like I don't know I'm already going to hell anyways.

This week's been interesting. Neal's little motorbike is soo much fun! We can do 35 on that thing together haha. Rough, I know, but it's a million times better than waiting for the bus, throwing your bike under the bus, pulling your bike out and pedaling your ass around Camarillo and the same thing for the way back home. I think American Apparel is finally starting to catch on, whatever...it's about time anyways. It's hard being a black knight when you don't live in LA. We made a trip there last night, it was amazing. Neal got the job for Converse, his face is gonna be everywhere bitches bettah racahnize! And to celebrate we pumped the city. The Beverly Center is absolutely gorgeous.

Standing at the edge of the parking structure on the 5th floor, looking down, over, and around Los Angeles, Hollywood sign gone in the dark of night, but what lay directly infront was my city, I felt invincible. My lovely, beautiful, filthy, stunning glimmering city. I was home for the night.

One of my favorite things about LA is that; rich or poor, girl you better look good so help me Jesus Christ. My favorite unspoken rule. Everyone cares about how you look. Makes me want to actually get out of my pajamas in the morning and brush my hair. I care, because they care. In a twisted sense, we all care about each other. Don't you love the romanticism of vanity?

Had dinner at Swingers, tofu chilequiles...surprisingly amazing. A cup of coffee and a smoke to chase dinner was just what the doctor ordered. Amanda Bynes sat next to us, she's so cute and we agreed, she and my roommate, Rebecca totally look related. He took me to Pop Killers, and it was like falling inlove for the first time all over again. I had a really nice time out. Did my speech today. I think I nailed it. Mom picked me up around 3, got a big weekend ahead. The new puppy comes on Saturday morning and my grandma wants to take me to Disneyland. Maybe I'll do some of my homework too.....maybe.

In psych class

It's monday again..this won't be the only thing I post today, I still wanna put up some pictures from Halloween and such.

Last night on the way back to school, my dad said he was proud of me..
for being sober....I'm so elated right now...I'm sick as a dog and I'm tired but I'm so happy he finally came to terms with me. That I'm not make believe...he's okay with who I am.
I'm a beaten down 19 year old recovering addict/alcoholic covered in tattoos, piercings, and fading suicidal scars. But the part of me that he's finally acknowledging is that I'm getting better.


This was a really big moment in my life, and I won't forget it, ever.

Jealous, but I'm so happy for you.

Everything I never had or could achieve, is what you have become. I'm so proud of you. Beautiful, successful, bound for adventure, cherished, revered young lady. As I look at you I see the things I could have done, every wrong turn I made that kept me from all the good things you have, and have accomplished. I'm beaten and worn down...forgotten by my old fellow junky companions....abandoned by bad men I never should have loved...trampled and stamped with tattooed evidence that I am the rough, and you are the diamond that has come out of my misfortune.


Thought I might want to talk about Halloween...but there really wasn't much to write about...
I went to hang out with my grandmas, took Maddie and Meagan trick or treating, got hassled by drunk slobs...got home...curled up on the living room couch and watched Bram Stoker's Dracula, and now here I am in my bed alone. It's been so quiet.