"Use my body to keep you alive..."

So my Halloween is going to be laid back and family oriented again. Maybe next year we'll get to go see Rob Zombie and Alice Cooper...I'm gonna be hanging out with my grandmas handing out candy and taking my sister trick or treating instead. Cute, right?

I couldn't get the materials for my Beetlejuice costume, so I'm gonna wear that vintage beaded black dress Neal pimped out for me, and a black and silver sequin Hello Kitty mask. It was their 35th anniversary a week ago anyways...kindof appropriate.

My sister and I carved pumpkins tonight, she got bored after a while though so I had to finish. But I think they came out pretty nicely.

I shouldn't complain but I want to. Wish I could do something wild for Halloween. Since all this heavy stuff came ontop of me, and cuz James can't be here I'm stuck having to constantly be on my best behavior to keep the peace....kindof. I'm just so bored, what can I do?

Guess it's about that time to get my driver's license. Yeah, like that makes sense right after what happened to poor Bailey...driving should be the furthest thing on my mind...but I can't be scared forever, not being mobile has really hurt me, and has put me back into a depression. I need this.

Night Blooming Jasmine

Delicate paper white petals strung on a vine that grew from the heavens and crawled it's way down to earth...The quintessent, intoxicating fragrance; my ecstasy, intertwines and caresses every square inch of my skin and fills my lungs with the spell cast in the air above us.

Girl Interrupted

watched it in the living room with Hayley, Neal, and Riana . . . never get to finish it. Right after Britney Murphey kills herself, that's when the TV always gets shutoff..too drunk, too tired, too much noise, the list could go on forever ...reasons why I can never get to the end of it.
Maybe we'll finish it tomorrow.


What is being normal? How do you really know that you're better, just because you get released? All the drugs they gave....my memories are so skewed yet strong..I don't remember what I looked like..just what I looked at and felt.... tons of left over bruises and fucked up ribs from what got me in there in the first place. If anything, I think I might have gotten worse after my release. Institutions can either be exactly what you need, or a roundtrip hell ride through Perpetual Bad Dreamland, where you get so out of your head that you start drawing pictures of butterfly needles and scratch your jumbled drugged diary in between the lines of the only book you were given to read....that would eventually be taken away from you.

A stay away in a place like that ... you don't ever get that out of your head...you'd be crazy if you could.

But it lessens as life goes on. Sometimes I almost forget. But there's some weird, and very strong part of me that really doesn't want to forget. At all. What does that mean?

This is where we break down.

Barely got 4 hours of sleep this morning.. went to bed at 3...woke up at 7...Totally feel like a rockstar right now. If only.

In psych class right now, I can never pay attention in class I really can't. The only way I ever learn anything is when I do it myself. Not to say that the classes don't help, I just don't see them as my primary learning devices. I'm also supposed to be writing a paper as we speak. It's due in an hour and ...15 minutes. It's about the environment...something to do with freshwater organizations in California. God I really need to get my act together....I'll post later.

Get Your Uglyass Hands Off My Man

I really needed something like this to happen right now. I'm so sick of delusional girls fucking with me.


James is my boyfriend, and unless I have fucking legitimate proof that you're screwing him, you can go fuck yourself. I can't believe I almost believed in her shit. And you know what...I may not be Miss America, but I'm definitely prettier...and I hate complimenting myself. So much fucking drama...too much shit for a Monday.

And people ask me why I don't have any girl friends...my gender is notorious for annoying the FUCK outta me.

This just didn't add up.....being okay with him having illicit sex with other girls and being in love with me while aaaalsooo being her boyfriend??? So spiteful and out of the blue. Yeah, like my boyfriend even has the time of day to be a man whore...let alone want to cheat on me. Yes, the long distance has been rough, but it would just be so pointless to hang on and waste your calling minutes with some chick in California when you supposedly have a harem of Idaho girls. Why would you waste your time? If this was the case, we would have broken up a very long time ago.

I love him so much. It was hard hearing such bad things about him....and it really hurt me. Why do people want to hurt me so badly? Whatever, I'm really tired and I need to write a whole outline for my public speaking class tomorrow morning.

Funeral on Sunday.

Faster than a cannon ball

You always know something's really wrong when you play Oasis on purpose ...

Well. It's true. You can't control the universe, your fate, the fate of others. A good soul was taken from the earth by a drunk driver, yet again. I don't even know how to explain this all. I didn't know her like he did, but the time I did spend with her she gave off wonderful vibes and she really cared about my boy...taught him everything that he taught me....This really isn't my place to make a commentary, but when he hurts, my heart breaks, and I'm just trying to deal with it. Yes, I feel awful about what happened to the victim, but knowing how much they meant to each other .... Jesus, I been crying too...

Why can't people just not drive drunk? I don't fucking understand...living on Sunset blvd, I've seen this far too many times, mourned far too many times, when is it going to be enough for people to get it in their heads that they can fucking kill someone by getting behind the wheel wasted or strung out? There's no excuse. It's not an accident, it's murder.

God Damn Typical...

I thought I heard Tom Hanks screaming ...and I was right....My dog WOULD pick a fight with his dogs in the middle of the night.

Jesus Christ. How embarrassing.

Oh, and speaking of dogs, my mom just bought a puppy on the internet. My dad has no idea. Why am I not telling him? I don't know...I guess I just want to watch the fireworks. New puppy is coming on November 4th...how in the world is my mother going to get away with this one? Buying the flat screen TV's behind his back was one thing...but this is a flippin' DOG..... My mother is insane. And I leave you on that note.

Weekend Homework

Well I guess if I did my homework during the week it wouldn't be this way....but what else is there to do in Camarillo when you don't have a car, or reasonable public transportation system? Honestly, the bus from my campus to anywhere stops running after 5 on Saturdays, and forget about Sundays... I actually got a ride home on Wednesday night. I live really close to my school, but not close enough to commute.

I like coming home to my own room....even though I have my own room at school, but you understand what I mean right? I keep all my books here at home, and my bed is bigger here...and there's food in the kitchen! Not to forget the fact that I have a huge family. That's why I didn't really want to venture off too far. I had already been sent away to boarding school for 9th-10th grade and I really missed out on a lot of stuff. I guess as the oldest sibling I feel I have a responsibility to my family ... you know, just to be there when shit hits the fan. My Gran (dad's mom) isn't doing so hot, and my mom can always use an extra hand on the weekends.

I also sortof feel like I owe my family a hell of a lot because of my past. I was a horrible person, really, I just don't know if it's even right that I put down half of the extent of my old self. I even have trouble telling the truth to my own therapist, believe it or not. Maybe in good time, as long as I never give out my real name or info I guess you can't really do anything to me. That's the best thing about confiding in a stranger.

Jesus.....

Okay, okay, I suck so bad at keeping my shit together. I gotta get away from facebook blogging like today. So much has happened in the last couple of months my head is still spinning. Neal and I did our star studded shit, went to Disneyland for his birthday for free which was awesome.. I got my fifth tattoo on my boyfriend's birthday (October 20th) Oh and we celebrated our 2 year anniversary....in different states, again.....but a reunion is so close I can almost taste it....money has been really tight these days I hate asking from my parents. My dad's invention (Facechipz) is starting to blow up everywhere and I'm so proud of him you don't even know. It's a social network for kids and it's really cool...I've been watching the site grow for like 3 years and it's an amazing internet haven for kids that are too young for myspace or facebook...and my dad's trying to get it so that when the kid reaches a certain age, his/her info gets carried over to Facebook, how fucking cool would that be!

The really great thing about the site though, is that you can't search for anyone or try to add anybody. The ONLY way you can add somebody as your friend is if you personally give them a poker chip with a code on the back of it that you copy into your computer and you automatically become friends, there is no people search option on the site AT ALL. It's really fascinating, my little sister and all her friends love it...it's got all these cool themes and fun extra things you can do like virtual gifts and secret messages...it's wild, and I'm not just saying that because it's my dad's website. I really believe in this thing, and it's going to make a big difference.

Anyways, I'm basically trying to survive college, it's not bad...but it's been miserable trying to find a job, riding my bicycle everywhere...even though I just bought a basket for my handle bars and I absolutely love it...I collect recyclables for money here...sad right?

Oh, and drama at school...they pretty much just waste our tax dollars like toilet paper here.
I woke up at six in the morning to the sound of 2 18 wheelers...I pull up my blinds and right infront of me was "GO ARMY" I couldn't even see the sky....and the fact that I had just watched Quarantine the night before didn't help..... So I guess they're having trouble corrupting the minds of high school kids and decided to come to a state university to try and take people that already have a future? Now there's nothing wrong with joining the army I love my country and I love our troops, but do they really need to try and entice us with video games and remote control cars and key chains? We're all adults here.

Furlough days, budget cuts, increased tuition......where the FUCK is the money going????